But I’m back!

School’s been like quicksand lately, slowly but endlessly drawing me into it’s web of mundane repetition and unfulfilled ambitions, along with the depressing thoughts of the projects that have to be handed up next week.

On a lighter note, Chinese New Year’s here! Again!

It seems like 2009 just flew by. But then again, every year seems to accelerate, growing more rapidly when you look back. Ever wondered how your childhood seemed so wistfully long and perfect, but your secondary school days just flew by in the blink of an eye? That’s not a phenomenon,

That’s just us, learning to deal with things.

I’d love to say that I’m looking forward to this Chinese New Year, to the red packets and to the meet-ups with friends and family whom I only have the chance to see a few times a year, to say that I was looking to put my own spin on the festive cheer, and to enjoy it as well as I could.

But I’m not going to lie.

It’s going to be different, now that you’re gone. I wonder how the reunion dinner this Saturday is going to pan out. I just imagine it’ll feel so weird, so unnatural, so alone. I think it’ll be very awkward, very emotionally-charged, and very unstable. Like a cruiser that has lost it’s steady anchor.

Well, save our souls, we’ve lost our captain.

It’s been almost 9 months, but I still miss you so much.

Anyway, it’s time for me to go study for my IT Law test! To the select few who do know about this journal, be safe.

I hope you’re doing fine, and that you miss me as well.

I’ll have faith.

I will.

” Restless, chasing shadows
Choices, facing gallows pole,
Are you hanging by a thread?
Or swinging by a rope? “

I’d been waiting for the 24th ever since I started smoking, thinking it was the exodus, the final hurdle, the nirvana; the age where I would legally be able to purchase my sticks of lethal tobacco. But now as the hours draw nearer and nearer to the marked date on my calendar, I suddenly realize that so much of my time spent on envisioning the scene of my “virgin” pack, could have been spent on much better and productive thoughts.

As man ages, he gets wiser. I finally know that now. Time is precious, to everyone. One of the things the paupers of the world and the elite share is the same 24 hours they have in a day. There is no more, no less. No bargaining with money, no bribes to Father Time, no cunning schemes to extend the seconds, none. As people often say, it’s not a matter of how much time we have, it’s a matter of how we use it.

I finally see that now. And I, with all my heart, intend to use every second of my life for something I deem productive to me and my pursuit of my true happiness.

I hope you do too.

Silas out.

However, when an animal looks at men, it sees much more. It looks at men, slowly but surely processing every action, every speech pattern, characteristic, scent, taste and touch, each varying from person to person, like a tangible fingerprint that only animals can differentiate.

When Lyla looked into my eyes today, I sensed that she was peering right into my soul. She seemed to be asking me, ” Why do you feel this way today? Go out and do something with your life, because I don’t see you having any direction or any constructive progress from the events that have unfolded since you awoke from your sleep. “

People say that your eyes are the windows to your soul. I beg to differ. Many times people have said that I am a person who keeps a lot to myself, that there is truly more than meets the eye whenever Justin Silas is concerned, that a much bigger part lies beneath the appearance.

Like an iceberg, only a fraction of it’s complete whole is shown on the surface.

And more than a few have commented on my eyes, saying that they look vacant, glazed, or even dead to the world.

Some have said that my eyes look like they have long lost their spark, that they are too blank for human regularity.

An acquaintance once told me, ” Although your eyes are naturally dark brown, when I look at them closely, they look pitch black, like the color of death, a door that has long gone shut, never to open again. Why is it that when I look into your eyes, it seems that there is no more hope, good feelings, wishful dreams, or childhood memories? But yet the more I try not to look, the more it seems to pull me in. Your eyes are scary.”

” They are like snake eyes, like a serpent before it eventually strikes. “, someone dear to me once said.

Which brings me back to topic. I definitely feel, that animals have an innate feeling of emotions and thoughts, and can easily comprehend whatever is going through the minds of men when they look at them. A subtle ” soul search “, if you will. So the next time any of you look at your pets, look closer. They do know what you’re thinking, and a part of me feels that they do want to reach out to you.

My 18th’s coming up in a few days, by then I’ll probably have a list of resolutions and realizations done by then.

So to the select few that do know about this wordpress, I hope you don’t go anywhere.

And if by chance, you do get to look into my eyes, please do not be overly enthralled. Your feedback is always appreciated.

Silas out.

In an extremely queer and morbid way, I realize that cold sweat is actually quite cooling! But at the same time, it’s an obvious sign that my body is in need of some serious maintenance.

My maid passed me 3 capsules of Panadol earlier, and in a moment of neanderthal intelligence, I ate all 3, without knowing that 1 was for that hour, and another before I slept.

Oh well. Running a warm bath now, am totally prepared to soak and let this feeling of unwelcome chill dissipate.

And I’m out of cigarettes. Fuck me.

It all gets better.

I realize that I should never be so selfish with another person’s desire, purely for the sake of my own penultimate happiness. Because no matter how happy I would be to have you by my side forever, I would never want to do it at the expense of you losing out on your true heart’s desire.

I now realize that no matter how close we can ever get, we are merely two people in a strange world, whose lives connected through God, who works in His very strange ways. I’m proud and happy to say that it’s been a long and tiring journey, but the obstacles and struggles we faced along the way are nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to the highs that the both of us have shared together.

I know it’s wrong for me to feel this way, to be so utterly selfish about having you forever. But if I could, I would. Life has a plan for each and every one of us, and I hope that our respective walks do continue interconnected for a very long time to come.

I hope that you’ll never be unhappy with me around.

And I hope that you’ll always view me with just as much importance and high esteem as I view you.

But I’m scared you’d think I’m thinking too much again.

Truth be told, I’m just afraid that he treats you better than I do.

It would make me feel inadequate, insufficient, and incompetent.

It would make me feel inferior.

I’ve been feeling that all my life.

And I’m afraid, that after this one, that’d be no more.

And I’d turn from a loved one, to a dear one.

Or horror of horrors, I might come between.

And I would never wish for that to happen.

Sigh,

A simple line that tells it’s own story, this commonly used phrase advises us not to set our sights too high on a friendship or relationship, while knowing fully well that the other party does not, and most probably will not, reciprocate the same amount of toil and commitment that you have steadfastly put in.

I don’t know, maybe I worry too much. That’s always been me, mulling and pondering about every single possibility and situation that might happen, just from a single message or a single word. But I can’t help myself. I’ve been too accustomed to losing people the moment we’ve broken down the barriers of insecurity and trust between us.

I just hope that he gives you what you deserve.

Most of all, I hope that he makes you as happy as I do.

Or, I hope that I make you as happy as he does.

It’s just an issue of mind over matter, and I don’t know if I’m going to win.